Why Did I Get Married Too?--Moment of Clarity

A little over a week ago I saw Tyler Perry’s latest movie release “Why Did I Get Married Too?” and it got me thinking about a great number of things.

Just a side bar moment—the movie was fantastic! I absolutely loved it! I have heard some people state that they did not like the ending or that the first one was better, but if you actually sit back and really ponder over the sequel, it’s a breath of fresh air and in some instances a rude, yet “better now than never” awakening. If you have not ventured to your local movie theater to see the movie, all I have to say is…what are you waiting for??!!

For right now, I am only going to touch on one of the aspects of the movie.  Terry suspects that Dianne has been having an affair (technically suspicion is a little light—he hit the nail right on the head); however, he is not sure how far this has gone.  One night he literally sits in bed and watches Dianne meticulously lay out what her wardrobe for work the next day.  She takes a certain care with the clothes and even removes a tag from a shirt that her gaze lingers on with a there’s more to this than meets the eye smile.  She is in her own little trance-like, fantasy state. 

As Dianne climbs into bed and straddles Terry while fully clothed, he lets her know that he is aware that 63 days ago she changed. Her smile lasts a little longer, she’s happier, and just all together different.  Everyone in the movie has noticed this “new” thing about her.  Terry begins to recall the first day he noticed the changed and the date that she came home and made love to him like he was “the only person in the room.”  He asks her if his name is Philip and she says yes (earlier in the movie she accidentally called Terry, Phil, on their vacation). He asked if when she made love to him that night in March if she was thinking about Philip and she also answered in the affirmative.  She begins to plead with Terry saying that nothing has happened, but she enjoys spending time with him and going on lunch rendezvous’.

Long story short, Terry and the fellas are sitting around in a bar and Terry makes a comment something along the lines of men being able to have random indiscretions, for lack of a better word, and it is not anything more than sex.  When women have an emotional affair like Dianne is having it is worse than actually consummating the act…and this is when the little wheels in mind went to spinning. 

I believe that all men believe that they can have an affair or a sexual liaison with some woman and that it is nothing more than that.  He does not love her nor does he wish to leave his wife for her.  She is for the moment something that he wishes to acquire for just a brief moment…something that he is lusting after.  Once the desire has been fulfilled, the woman whoever she may be is no longer needed.  This is what I have been told by men; however, in spite of how many sees his dirty deed, it is not he who has to deal with the hurt and anguish.  It is the wife and in her mind, sex is not just sex.  She begins to question herself—her self-worth, is she pretty, should she lose weight, what if she dyed her hair or dressed a certain way, what can she do better, etc.

On the other hand, when a woman gets emotionally involved with a man, it’s more. The sex does not matter. In most instances, he gives her something that she is lacking at home with her husband.  It could be just a nice word, an inquiry as to how her day was, or some mental intimacy to name a few.  I believe that to Terry this seems worse because overall women may be judging this “Philip” against what we have at home, our husband, and he could potentially end up losing her.  Whereas with a man, when he sleeps around he is not comparing the woman he sees to his wife. He just sees an attractive woman and thinks how nice it would be to sleep with her.  He does not plan to leave his wife for her, ever.  Even if he keeps her on the side, she is still just that—a sideline. 

With that being said, I began to wonder if an emotional affair is better than being in a committed relationship? 

In an emotional affair, you don’t have to be around that person unless you want to. You’re not going home to him/her every day.  You don’t have to worry about someone leaving the toilet seat up, leaving the roll on the tissue holder with no tissue, hair on the bathroom floor from the curling iron, smelly feet, his/her family and friends, obligations that you only accede to in order to keep down confusion, etc.  The list could go on and on perhaps for some.

On the contrary, being in a committed relationship is far more satisfying.  I get to come home to someone every day, have someone to listen to my hopes, fears, and dreams, someone who is just as silly as me, understands me when I don’t make sense to myself, helps me to improve myself, knows that I’m quick-tempered and steps up to help me to see the silver lining in everything, just to name a few.  This is how I would imagine a committed relationship to feel. For me to feel that even when things are bad, things are good.  You know what I mean?  To know for a fact that you would never trade your exclamation point for a question mark is an absolutely beautiful thing.  Incredible, if you ask me.

My conclusion: a committed relationship is much more fulfilling than an emotional affair and if you feel the need to or are having an emotional affair, I ask—how committed are you?

Is commitment really what you want?

How Many Fights Must A Relationship Endure to Be "Real"?

The other day I was sitting in my living room when Marcel mentioned to me that at one point he felt that he and Chris were not really best friends because they had never had a fight before. Here’s a brief overview: Charles, Chris and Marcel are all best friends. Charles and Marcel have had a fight before in the past, but managed to get past that. Chris and Marcel have not.  He said that he used to think that real friends have fights…and it got me thinking.

Is it not real love if you have never gotten into a fight with your significant other or spouse?

Chris Rock did a comedy special entitled “Never Scared.”  There is this one part of the show where he states that you have never been in love if you have not thought about killing that person.  If you have never sat at the table with a box of rat poisoning thinking how you are going to kill that m’fer, then you were not in love. And the only thing that stopped you from doing it was an episode of CSI.  It was really funny, but when you take the comedy out of it…is what he said true? 

We all know what it feels like those first days, weeks, and months of finding that special person that you want to share all of you with—sheer bliss.  He doesn’t want to hang up the phone and neither does she.  She calls him all day, he texts her all day. Now there’s twitter and you can tweet silly love messages to each other that the whole world can see.  Technology. No harsh words are uttered to the other person and any behavior, verbal or physical, that can possibly come off has hurting the other’s feelings is immediately apologized for.  But one day, all of that changes…you awake from your peaceful slumber or utopia and just like that, BAM!! Reality hits…

I do believe that some confrontation is necessary and vital in ensuring that your love for one another is strong enough to withstand a little wind, how much pain or frustration must one relationship endure in order to hold up against a Katrina???  Additionally, if one relationship can survive the devastation and aftermath of a category 5 storm, does that necessarily mean that it is worth it?  Does that mean that you have found true love or that “ride or die” man or woman?

I believe that every man and woman makes a conscious decision to walk face on into a relationship and he/she knows what their limitations are and are not.  One knows what will make them walk and what will make them stay.  I think that no one really knows what their reaction will be in certain situations until they are in them, but for the most part we all have our “breaking points” or “icings on the cake.” 

My aunt and uncle have been married almost 50 years—their 50-year anniversary is next year.  While I was writing this I decided to call her. I asked her about her take on this subject and she immediately laughed stating that, “Yes, you will fight. Marriage is not easy.  It is a partnership.  Men have to understand that bringing home a check is not enough.”  She went on to mention that sometimes you may think about killing him, but then you think, “Is this something that I really want to go to jail for?  The answer is, no.  So there has to be a better solution.”  For some relationships, your spouse may argue with you just to see how much fight you have in you and for others their relationships seem to thrive as a result of fighting. (I assume that it is the making up part in these relationships that keeps it “thriving.” LOL).  She verbalized that people who are brutally honest can survive in a relationship, but those that skirt on the issues at hand or are in complete denial are the ones that will not work.  Her answer is this, fighting is necessary for any relationship or marriage to work; however, for a relationship/marriage to be considered “real” is not something that can be quantified by numbers or can be explained in a manual…it just depends on that person’s tolerance level.

What are your ideas on this topic?

The New Season Is Finally Here!!!!

Tonight was the first competition for the top ten couples on "So You Think You Can Dance?"  I felt like a child trying brush sleep off of my shoulders while hiding in the dark waiting to hear some bells and hooves signaling the arrival of Santa Claus dropping down the chimney so that I could catch him leaving my gifts.  Needless to say, I was more than ready for Wednesday to get here! There were a couple people in the top twenty that I had remembered auditioning last season, but they had not made last year. I'm always impressed with seeing individuals who are relentless in their pursuit of their dreams.

The first partners up were Jeanine and Phillip. They definitely set the tone for the rest of the show.  They did a routine by Tabitha and Napoleon D'umo.  Amazing!!!!  I love these choreographers and their lyrical hip hop dance routines!  They never disappoint me and I love them about as much as I love Mia Michaels.  They danced to Ne-Yo's "Mad" song.  Their dancing was believable and you could clearly see that there was tension between the two lovers that Jeanine and Phillip were depicting.  Moreover, at the end, the final not "wanting to go to bed mad" line was so clean and sexy and just on fire! I was like, get it!! 

Asuko and Vitolio did a broadway sort of routine where Vitolio was the director of the movie and Asuko was the actress.  It was okay...just...okay.  I was not all that impressed with it, especially after it coming right behind Jeanine and Phillip's performance.  Maybe I could have felt it a little more if they had gone after the foxtrot was completed, but coming after such an on fire performance, did not go in their favor.  Mary Murphy said that the dance was just safe, but Nigel gave them more credit than that by saying the lines and dancing were beautifully performed.  However, he followed that comment up with the routine lacking personality.  I concur.

Jamie and Randi performed a Tyce Diorio piece to Jamie Cullum's "I Only Have Eyes For You."  The routine was unbelievably enchanted and authentic!  I was surprisingly pleased.  Tyce has some really good routines, but I think that the dancers that he is given fail to convey the message that he trying to get across in the songs he has chosen and the routines that he has choreographed.  In stark contrast to previous dancers, these two worked this song and Tyce's routines like they learned this out of the womb.  It was as natural and fluid as breathing.  You couldn't help but love how these two floated across the floor and maximized the most of the space between them.  It was literally like the song says--they only had eyes for each other...the audience did not exist!

My favorites were back again, much to my delight!  Tabitha and Napoleon also taught another routine to Paris and Tony.  They danced to "Let the Beat Rock."  Tony who is a hip hop dancer failed to bring it like I thought he would. I was like, "boy, pop and lock." Pop and lock.  He could pop it, but he couldn't lock it.  Paris, who is not a hip hop dancer, came hard with it.  I mean she was moving in and out of those hip hop moves with ease and you would never have known that this was not her thing.  With all that being said, I thought that the routine was hot, but not fierce or on fire.  Apparently, my idea of what dancing is completely different from the judges' perceptions.  Adam thought they were cool, but that the clothes were too distracting.  I thought the clothes that Paris and Tony wore were very appropriate for the dance style and song that they were performing to.  Nigel and Mary both thought the dance was not memorable and that America would not remember who they were or what dance was done.  I would have remembered them.  Additionally, Tony was supposed to have this hard persona and this supposed "stank face."  This came back to get him as Nigel said, "your stank, stank."  Hilarious.

Last, but not least, the bollywood routine was something worthy of some long-standing applauses.   I commend anyone who has danced this style, because it looks difficult and is extremely fast spaced.  The moves switch at random and it's just something that you really have to dedicate time to and practice, practice, practice.  Jason and Caitlin performed to a song from the Academy Award winning Slumdog Millionaire.  This was the first duo that Adam jumped out of his seat, literally, for.  He was like, "you rocked!"  Mary was screaming her head off as usual--no tamale train, but she was still yelling.  Nigel was on board as well and you know it takes a lot to wow this guy. 

For all of the other couples, I didn't mention, it doesn't mean that their routines were not good or great.  It just means that I need to save something else to write about next week (God willing that I will still be here) when I'll be excited for Wednesday night again! I'm so excited to see tomorrow's results and who will make it on to the second week of competing.

So you think you can dance, dance.

Are Omissions Truly Betrayals?

Cheating.

What exactly constitutes cheating has been the age old question for men (the more operative word should be little boys). It seems that the tables have turned in that women are now on the prowl and out getting their "swerve" on outside of the relationship or marriage. Having been thoroughly intrigued by this topic, I decided to type "what is the definition of cheating in a relationship" into Google. Boy, were the results overwhelming!!! I wanted to get into contact with everyone and ask how they arrived at some of the answers that I read! On the website, www.answerbag.com, one lady by the name of Berenise said:

"cheating to me is having an inappropriate physical connection with someone outside of the relationship. Doing something that will betray me and put my trust towards you on the line. cheating is lying...hiding something from me no matter if is not doing something specifically with someone is still cheating because there should be no need to lie to me. not being true to me, not being faithful to my love, being able to hug and touch someone else's body without ever once thinking about me and how much this would hurt me...that is cheating"

I wanted to know if she is a woman scorned. The way in which she went into detail and how she ran off everything like a list as if she was deep in thought or perhaps, day dreaming, piqued my interests.

As I further read through the list of responses, I came across one by someone called "thinkin." This person said:

"Anything that do think you need to hide from you partner.

Lunch with someone a phone call a kiss a touch and of course sex."

This definition seemed to line up almost perfectly with my own. I believe that all of thinkin's response constitutes cheating. If you feel that you have to hide it, it's cheating. If you would be mad if I did the same thing or have trust issues with me from there on out, then it's cheating. Emotional infidelity constitutes cheating. Omissions are betrayals.

All of this came up because I was reading an article and this excerpt from it stated the following:

"Cheating on your guys is almost always a selfish act--and so is telling him about it. Confessing an indiscretion can shatter your man's trust in you and make him feel inadequate and insecure. More often than not, it also results in an ugly breakup."

Here's the killer part...

"So unless you get caught with your pants down, stay mum."

Unless you get caught with your pants down...stay mum. Stay mum?! A leading psychological expert by the name of Robi Ludwig said, "If you're at a point where you can stop cheating and are ready to deal with the dissatisfaction in your relationship that likely caused you to stray, you may not need to burden your partner with your impulsive, regrettable choices." Who are these people??????????

I apologize in advance, but I just have to go on a tangent for a minute. I'm utterly appalled by this information that is being fed to women from a leading magazine that is targeting women--Women's Health. First things first, it is never okay to cheat. Yes, confessing what you have done does release a burden off of your shoulders and releases you from having to keep a secret or tell lies after lies to cover your tracks. However, I believe that the other person has a right to know. With so many sexually transmitted diseases going around, people need to have more open relationships where the lines of communication are not broken down. I do not believe that your partner will welcome your random indiscretions with welcoming arms, but I do feel that you owe that person that much. You have already lost a huge chunk of that person's trust; must you lose it all because you want to "stay mum." It's disgusting if you ask me.

One indiscretion could lead to an incurable disease, a baby, or something worse and far more sinister...an obsessed stalker who does nothing but take distinct pleasure in getting under your skin with the clout that he/she holds over you due to your supposedly inadvertent malfeasance.

My grandmother always said that what is done in the dark will come to the light. How is it possible that you can go to sleep and wake up to the person that you say that you love, in the same bed, knowing that you have not righted a grievous wrong? How can you utter words like, "I love you." Do you? I mean do you really? It truly takes a strong person to hear that you have been cheated on; however, it takes an even stronger man or woman to admit what he/she has done. No, you cannot change the past. There is no rewind, pause or flag on the play in life. On the other hand, there is always room for improvement and healing and even possible, forgiveness.

If you are going to cheat, please get out of your marriage or relationship. I mean who wants to honestly be with someone you cannot trust. I always feel that cheating relationships are unhealthy. They are like cancerous viruses that only get worse unless you have chemotherapy and even after that, it is known to come back and strike this time with a vengeance. Some say that revenge is a dish best served cold. I always think that if you have cheated on me, what is to stop you from cheating again. If I stay, will he keep cheating on me because I stayed this time? If he does step out on me again, who do I have to blame this time?

He, on the contrary, would have to worry about...yes, he. Oh, best believe he will worry. Even if a woman does not do anything out of spite, a man will always have it in the back of his mind because of his own guilty conscience. So again, he will worry about where I am at when I don't answer my phone. If any guy is standing too close or I am laughing too hard with a guy who's conversing with me way too low, then he is going to flip out. He's going to wonder what I am doing and if I have gotten even or settled the score, because in his mind what woman will truly put up with his cheating keister without tip--toeing outside the door herself.

And yes, all of this true regardless of if he intends to truly stop cheating or not.

All of that to say this, I do not believe that honesty is not always the best policy. Yes, an ugly break up may be an end result, but at least you can leave with some dignity and respect. The other person can always say that at least he/she told me instead of me having to find out from someone else. Even I, myself, can respect that.